december 6th, 2024

started therapy.....lame :p but necessary...very necessary, things have become entirely, entirely bleak. dreams have become increasingly violent and too personal...really the only bright spot to end the year is that i will be watching interstellar in 70 mm for the 10 year anniversary. such a great film that always gives me hope...also please look at the stuffed animal that i found at an antique mall, his eyes really spoke to me....also he came with the bow...says pink is his favorite color....

November 13th, 2024

saw heretic.....5/10 really liked the premise but got kinda flat towards the end. acting was good but then it just seemed as though they had something really cool in the beginning but then after the plot got kinda scooby doo-ish, would i watch again? no don't think so.on a separate note because of daylight savings now everytime i go hiking aroung 5pm it's pitch black. took a flashlight with me last night and it died in the middle of my hike. it's kinda scary being up there so dark, but i cant bring myself to wake up at 4 or 5 am to go hiking before work.....hmmmm

November 6th, 2024

feeling dejected, hollow, like an empty shell of myself, I thought the worst was behind me but now I see that it was ahead of me all long, and I was treading down a track I had no business treading into. But let us turn this melancholic energy into something positive, like movie reviews! The only other movie I have reviewed here was uhhh I already forget the name, the barbarian! Yes it came to me suddenly just now. don't get me wrong there have been a lot of great movies between then and now and i'd like to talk about one i just saw. Conclave!!!!!!!!! Loved it sooooooooo much,i have been subjected and banished to bible study against my own will really but the community has been incredibly welcoming and very nice. I forgot how nice it was to meet new people and get to hear their stories and experiences, which is what drove me to watch Conclave even more honestly. I've never been an entirely religious person, but even as a young child going to catholic school to fulfill my first communion i deeply resonated with jesus. i don't know why really maybe because my own childhood was very tumultuous and at the school they had taught that jesus was this peaceful figure that loves unconditionally. i love learning about religion in theory because the history can be so fascinating but i only ever really cared about jesus himself, described as having an entirely pure energy, full of forgivness and compassion,was he really real? is he now? i dont know to tell you the truth but maybe i wish he was....anyways.... conclave is a film that depicts the election of a new pope following the unfortunate death of the previous one. had some of my favorite white people in it, john lithgow, ralph fiennes, stanley tucci! really at the core of this film depicts the condition of human nature, we can be very sinful surely, many of the characters in the film are caught up in their own greed, their own agendas, their own wants, when near such proximity of power. "i thought we were here to serve god..." ralph fiennes character states sadly, as his character has been charged with the task of running the conclave admist having his own crisis of faith. and when expressing these doubts to his fellow cardinal (stanley tucci), his fellow cardinal responds by admitting that the previous popes also had his doubts, but clarified "no, never with god. he was losing faith with the church." which is admittedly what i have felt myself regarding the state of this country, the state of humanity. people are becoming devoid of empathy. they cannot put themselves in another's shoes for even a milisecond unless it won't benefit them. i feel like i live in a world where it's people are becoming gripped by something nefarious, and evil.people refuse to educate themselves and i mean truly educate themselves instead they chose to believe and regurgitate talking points from a man that is completely and totally not even remotely apart of the reality that real people have to deal with everyday. "they're eating the cats, they're eating the dogs..." stated a very deranged man and still people cling to him like a life raft thinking very seriously that he will save them. that man will save no one. no one at all. continuing with my review, our doubter (ralph fiennes) continues onward still, to find a suitable pope, one who he believes will truly save him from his crisis of faith i believe, one that will move him to continue believing and to strengthen his faith. but he becomes dissillusioned as very strong contenders are revealed to be very flawed human beings.i won't spoil the movie by revealing it's very funny twist. this has been one of my favorite movies this year and has come during a very suitable time in my life. my most favorite quote from the film was from another cardinal who states in reference to his other fellow cardinals "we are mortal men. we serve an ideal, but we cannot always be ideal." which is what i will take with me for years to come, still despite all the abhorrant things in this world, still i will choose to believe there is good in people. there has to be...

september 20th, 2024

worst summer ever!!!!!!! i had very high hopes for this summer, the heat unbearable, plans to go to the beach every weekend as hiking was no longer an option, then i was met with my worse fear, hospitalization. i am completely a million times better, healthy now but it was scary. just lying in a hosptial bed alone for hours really takes your mind to some terrible places, i kept thinking about my dream where i died over and over again. but enough of this heavy dread, i was released after only about 3 days and then what awaited me was a colonoscopy.....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lol august was filled with dread waiting for it to come, i picked up a GIANT JUG of laxative they prescribe you to take the day before so that it can clean you out entirely, just straight chugging salt water for two hours and you CANT EAT ANYTHING i swear i never felt more hunger in my entire life. but you guys lol i got some imaging back of my intestines and they were so clear and clean i actually did a really good job drinking that gallon and i didnt even drink the whole thing to tell you the truth. i was looking forward to what kind of dreams i would have in the hospital but each night my mind was empty. i was hoping i dreamed too when they put me under but nothing, it felt so jarring actually the last thing i remember was the anesthesiologist person injecting me and it felt like only a few mintues had passed when i woke up and they were already wheeling me back to my room. it's all behind me now gladly, and i am happy autumn is here. I love autumn, i love those days when you feel a chill in the air after being used to the heat and you know a new season is coming, i wish it could be autumn all the time....and if you are reading this EAT HEALTHY, EAT MORE VEGETABLES - like way more vegetables im not even kidding like double the normal amount you eat im serious- !!!! im so serious... stop eating HOT CHIPS!!!!! lol i swear please years of eating things that are not good for you really do take a toll on you... learn from me...a girl who's seen it all lol....

June 26th, 2024

sometimes, that small, probably not very costly to produce, little creature inside the claw machine of your local boba spot can bring you much joy...and happiness....i look into his eyes and i know what the meaning of life is....

June 4, 2024

i had an extremely cathartic dream. ok truthfully i've had many cathartic dreams. dreams that seem so real, i cant distinguish them from real life as i experience it. i've become so paranoid that as a result i won't step into a walmart for the rest of my life. i'm just afraid of these dreams coming true. which is why i haven't been around for a while, that + my dad's been having some health issues, hes ok now and will be fine but for a while there it was a bit scary. but really i stopped posting because i had a dream so terrible i'm afraid if i speak of it it will come true. except i read something recently that is making me rethink about journaling about it or not. you see i just watched lake mungo, which if you havent heard about it, its a scary movie about a young girl who drowned in a lake. it's a very good movie, and if anyone is even reading this and they havent watched it you should check it out. but umm.....oh yeah without giving away any spoilers, i was reading in an old reddit thread, (because everytime i watch a scary movie like this i love love love reading reddit threads about people's theories on it, it's sort of like the best part of watching movies that I consider works of art like this because so many people have different interpretations and no one is exactly right or exactly wrong, its just good fun and sharing of ideas and thoughts and what not) and someone said they had known from aboriginal folklore and that if you have a premonition of your death and if you keep it to yourself then you may curse yourself or your family and you see this whole time i've been thinking the opposite, i thought that if i dreamt about something like that and if i spoke about it, it would come true. i can't even think about the dream without crying. And I keep having flashes of my brother telling me when we were young, as i would so often have dreams of others dying, that it means they are going to live for a long time. i don't even know where he would have heard that from...but it always comforted me. i'd like to think maybe the dreams i have where i have died mean i'm going to live for a long time...hmmm maybe the simplest answer is that subconsciously i've been afraid of dying and thats where these dreams stem from. but my fear truthfully is rooted in how real these dreams feel. so real that when i wake up i forget that my dream is just a dream and that i actually have a life outside the dream.i hope that i'm not painting myself to be some recluse that is afraid to even step outside of her home, because i am most definetly not...lol the walmart dream i guess.. to put it plainly, i dreamt i died inside a walmart lol but because it felt so real, so REGULAR, it was so scary how regular and normal the dream was, it's better to be safe than sorry and to be honest i haven't been inside a walmart since i was a child so is it really avoiding if i dont even shop there at all anymore? i remember in the dream after i died there was a voice that told me i had to calm down, everthing was so vivid and in a split second i felt myself burning, burning, red everywhere then in another split second it all went black, and this voice was telling me to calm down, that i must be calm, "gently now" is what the voice said, "gently as we move from this world to the next" was the last thing i heard so clearly and then i woke up.but that's not the dream that has kept me from posting on here, i have to think about it more if i want to share that dream or not, but lets indulge my delusion and say that these dreams are in fact as i fear, premonitions that will one day come true and i am going to die regardless, then why should i stop doing what i love, which is posting on here :3 i guess what i'm really trying to say is that im back :3

march 17, 2023

been a while since i've written :3 it's just theres been so much rain here i hate it now lol at first it was fun right, like it NEVER rains here, and it even SNOWED here at my job, like that was crazy. it wasn't a lot of snow tho, it snowed for a good two minutes and then it went away. although it was nice seeing the mountains covered in snow, felt like i was in a different place all together. but the rain now is like a guest that has overstayed it's welcome and im tired of it now . i miss the sun i miss its warmth....

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FRIENDS!!!

december 19, 2022

i've been feeling a bit better so i thought i'd share my christmas list of gifts i hope to recieve this christmas :3 i loveeeee christmas sooooo much its my favorite holiday of the year!! my family requests a list each year so we know what to buy each other so heres mine

these are all things i just had on my ebay watch list lol the first one is a pinky monkey plush/small storage item, i plan to put my jewelry in there if i get it the second is something i've wanted for a while :3 & the third and forth are plushies i've been wanting to add to my collection but just decided to wait until christmas to ask for them lol I hope you all get the gifts on your wishlist this year!!

december 9, 2022

sorry i haven't written, i had to put down my cat on Nov. 3 and i've not been able to handle my grief, i've never experienced any feeling like this in my entire life, i realize now nothing is permanent, i've been a fool in thinking that the love i've recieved from my friends and family gives me a permanent place on this earth, but it doesn't. There's not a day that goes by where i don't think of my cat, my friend :( he was just here.... i keep telling myself, and with the tightest grip i try to hold onto the last day he was here, my nails sinking deeply into the last memories i have of petting him and watching him lay in the sun, all the while punishing myself for being such an idiot..for not cherishing him more, for taking him for granted. i'll never take anything for granted again, i'll let everything linger for a little while longer, and then a little more after that...because time is so short... more than any of us realize..

HALLOWEEN 2022

reminiscing about old times & "barbarian" review

i put up a giant inflatable of a pumpkin into my drive way, it was about 8 feet and loomed so cutely over my yard. unfortunately i had a total of 8 trick or treaters stop by my home, can you believe it!! only 8?! I can literally recall all their costumes, the first was a cute butterfly , the second & third were wednesday adams and a racecar driver, then three kids, two witches and a cowboy,then lastly 2 teenage boys. i gave them the rest of the candy that was left (which was practically the whole bag!) and they gleefully ran off.. at least the parents that came with the kids took photos with the pumpkin but over all i was kinda sad by the turn out lol i remember when i was a kid there were hundreds of kids swarming the streets, i guess since i dont live in an apartment anymore there aren't many kids around .. and no one in my neighborhood decorated ....soz lol anyways after that i watched barbarian so please stop reading if you dont want to be spoiled!!!!!!!!! so yes our protanganist is a freaking idiot who arrives at her air bnb for the night and finds that it's been double booked. any sane human being would promptly find a hotel, motel, or sleep in their car but NO she decides to STAY. you just can't have that kind of confindence in your fellow man anymore these days but whatever, i can understand that for the sake of the plot needing to move forward she must stay in that house -_-. i like how they build the suspense by having you believe that her air bnb roomate could potentially be a crazy psycho killer the whole time up until the moment HE DIES and actually turns out he was a nice cool guy and this could've potentially been a romantic meet cute story for our protaganist, that whole thing i did enjoy. & they did a good job casting him because he does give weirdo vibes lol and the reveal of the monster (mother) did scare me!! then the movie switches to this actor guy who is accused of being raped and is then "cancelled" by hollywood or whatever... i didn't really care for him and i was glad he died in the end because it turns out he did actually rape his costar so he could go choke and he totally tried to sacrifice the protaganist to save himself after our protaganist WENT BACK FOR HIM !!! thats another thing ughhh i love/hated our protaganist soooooo much like why would you ever want to go back and save a person you JUST met, i understand going to the police and getting help is all well and fine but if i were her and i saw what i saw i would catch the first flight back home and try to bury the memory of what i endured lol. and i knew they were going to get that homless man killed too, like whyyyyyy why does the homeless man even live in that area knowing whats inside that house like that was insane to meeeee hahaha. onto my favorite character of the whole movie...mother, i actually started crying at the end can you believe it? lol a victim of incest, torture, and rape, all she wanted was a baby to care for.. and when she saved her life for the protaganist i was sad, and the tears came when the protagnist finally held the gun to her face but mother didn't know what was coming, all she wanted was to caress her "baby" i love these designs for these monsters we have been getting lately. i loved the reveal of the monster in smile too but was the movie even that good? idk thats a conversation for another time. all in all i give this movie a 6.9/10 for its originality, design for the monster and story.