dec 29, 2025
beginning chulip....yes my name is chunbie....also got def jam fight for ny for chistmas....also tons of ebay gift cards....new years resolutions? we must stop worshipping fear, we must stop worshipping shame, we must be liberated from the chains we put on ourselves because nothing in this life is promised. also more hiking and listening to more more more more more more music. also we must enhance our clarity of vision when we turn the mirrors towards ourselves. who am i ? and what do i want? final new years resolution....more playing in the face of defeat!!!!!!!!! p.s i love how in chulip you can not only name yourself but you can also name the young school girl character that the main character is in love with hahaha
dec 3, 2025
i spent thanksgiving with my family for the first time in almost a decade. and i was reminded very quickly in the very little couple of days i spent with them, why i stopped in the first place. i kept thinking the whole time how i wanted to go home, but not the home i have now...i was missing a place that doesn't exist. its a very instrusive thought these days, im at work longing to go home, and im at home longing, dying to go "home". where is this place i am longing to go? on a brighter note, i saw the godfather when i got home from nevada :3. i love the movie theater, i love how everyone congregates to experience something together regardless if the movie is good or not, maybe this is where i am always longing to go? and on an even brighter note than that i am so excited for christmas :) i always get everything on my list :) i think i also might go back to monterey on my birthday this upcoming january. I love being a capricorn :3 and i love being by the sea too, more than anything...maybe this is where i am also longing to go...
nov 20, 2025
i finished playing stray children, spoilers with the photos sorry, and i know so many people have criticisms towards this game in terms of the fighting mechanics and what not but this has become my most favorite game of all time. when i got to this final scene, i felt so bad for his father because i understood exactly how he feels. i felt bad for all of the adults really, and i tried so hard to liberate them from their sadness because really i just want to liberate myself...when i was younger i used to laugh and play and tried really hard to connect with others because that is what made life worth living to me....now i just numb myself because the pain is unbearable, unrelenting, and it doesn't stop for a singular moment. maybe its time to start trying again, because numbing myself and hiding behind walls does nothing, what kind of life is that....? i remember how much joy i felt, connecting with others, and just...having fun. i think i should also stop worshipping fear, life is too short for that anyway. :3
oct 16, 2025
ughghghghghghghghghghhhhhhh guess who just paid their traffic violation ticket for not stopping at a stop sign -_- i was driving away high up near a DEAD hiking trail looolll i didnt notice the camera :( ughhghhhhhh i know its my fault grrrrrr also finished playing little nightmares 3 and it was kindaaaa lameeee idk maybe ill end up forking up the money to buy chulip and just play that next :3
oct 10, 2025
i finished playing silent hill f. who looked at my life and into my mind to make this game? so many parallels it made my head spin. it actually made me nauseous playing noticing similarity after similarity, playing this felt like watching myself....anyways saw mum last night, probably the best concert i went to this year...music can save us i know it.....i know it...
sept 2, 2025
talking to the universe, or god, or whoever is listening this morning because it was so bright when i woke up. im over summer, so over this heat, so over the humidity, so over the sweat on ones brow, im over it!!!!!!!!!!!! being greeted by the sun this morning made me plead with anyone listening to please make it rain, i miss the rain sooooooo much, like one misses an old friend they havent seen in months. and on the way to work :) the sun retreated behind thick dark clouds and it began to rain,for the first time in months, here in my office too i can hear the rain drops fall to the ground and glorious glorious thunder. so you see....good things can happen to those who wait :3 hello beautiful september!!!!!!!!!(that image above is a photo of me praying for the rain this morning fyi...)
august 22, 2025
day 10,444 of asking god for one good thing to happen. he says no. but im not going to stop asking. :p updates - saw men i trust yesterday, very beautiful show!+ i no longer play as the pianta in mario kart as i have grown very fond of the para biddy bud.+ also i now have a very personal vendetta against my local usps worker because the envelope that this cd showed up in was clearly bent for NO REASON. someone will pay for this. i was actually very angry when i recieved this because i paid a good amount for this but then i thought maybe this is my karma. maybe i did something bad to someone and this is what i deserve and then i started thinking even more that if this really was a karmic act does that mean my karma meter gets lowered? like it was filling up obviously if i did something bad and now this happened so does the karma just disperse? is the meter lowered now? god can something good happen now? :'( lol
july 31, 2025
did anything good happen to me after i begged god for something good to happen to me on july 21st? no. but we soldier on....saw lady gaga on the 28th. great performer wonderful voice. bought a cd and its coming in the mail. learning how to play rudolph the red nosed reindeer on the piano.....saw "realms of the dharma:buddhist" exhibition at lacma. deeply envious of the bodhisattva, looking upon their smiling faces content that they no longer desire nothing and thus are free..how to stop desiring? does anyone know? i know that because i desire i suffer, but i do not know how to stop.maybe one day! ....ive been back to journaling my dreams, just have to scan them and upload them now :3 ....and speaking of dreams, dreams by kurosawa will be playing on sunday at the american cinematheque. so many things to look forward too..especially summer ending....i hate this heat. my one wish of the day? to be out by the ocean...gazing deep into it for hours on end or just until the answers that i am so desperately seaching for reveal themselves within me....god...you still have a chance....to craft an act that will produce pure joy...and i will know that i was u......
july 2, 2025
i finally finished resident evil 7 :3 i didnt know anything about this game at all other than its known to be scary! so much fun playing...i forgot how fun it was to just immerse yourself into a game for hours on end like i would when i was a kid during summer. kinda thought it was dumb for zoe to implore us to use the serum on her father and then be stunned to find that we use the remaining serum on our wife like....thats my wife! lol if i were her though i wouldve used the serum on myself the moment i finished making it but for the sake of the plot i guess they just make her hand both serums to us to like defeat her dad?
march 13th, 2025
a muddy affair. i knew when i saw i was the only car in the parking lot preceding the trail that it was not a wise idea to go hiking.-_- but because i am stubborn i soldiered on and boy was my folly paid out. the rain drops felt cold against my cheeks....but it was nice...to be totally and completely alone.i pressed my hands against the blades of grass covered in dewdrops...i could've sworn someone was watching me from the distance. they remained unmoving....maybe it was a tree trunk standing starkly against the horizon and my eyes were playing tricks on me. but as i walked back to the start of the trail i turned around one last time and they were gone....i was listening to "deep blue day" by brian eno on repeat...
january 27th, 2025
in my last entry i wrote about how it was raining ash at my job, at my home. i could look out into the distance and see the glow of the fires that surrounded the city. today though, driving to work i see the tops of the mountains engulfed in snow...hard to imagine that there were these massive fires that loomed largely only a week ago...another update...it was my birthday on the 17th of January . i drove to point lobos state natural reserve in carmel, ca and it was blissful. the cypress trees swaying in the wind as they cling onto the side of the cliffs before the ever expanding ocean....i love to gaze deep into the oceans horizon
. driving along the coast now i headed down to the henry miller memorial library in big sur. i have never read his work before and i really only know of him from reading anais nins diaries, so i bought a couple of his books to read
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january 9th, 2025
happy new year friends, my thoughts and dreams have been impacted by a cataclysmic event. but we. will. preservere!!!!!! & even though my desires fill me with disgust and shame, we will unlearn this way of thinking that no longer serves us
!!! on another note it is raining ash at my job today due to the ever surrounding fires....such a stark contrast from when it started snowing randomly here too maybe 2 years ago?? life was so much brighter then...
december 6th, 2024
started therapy.....lame :p but necessary...very necessary, things have become entirely, entirely bleak. dreams have become increasingly violent and too personal...really the only bright spot to end the year is that i will be watching interstellar in 70 mm for the 10 year anniversary. such a great film that always gives me hope...also please look at the stuffed animal that i found at an antique mall, his eyes really spoke to me....also he came with the bow...says pink is his favorite color....
November 13th, 2024
saw heretic.....5/10 really liked the premise but got kinda flat towards the end. acting was good but then it just seemed as though they had something really cool in the beginning but then after the plot got kinda scooby doo-ish, would i watch again? no don't think so.on a separate note because of daylight savings now everytime i go hiking aroung 5pm it's pitch black. took a flashlight with me last night and it died in the middle of my hike. it's kinda scary being up there so dark, but i cant bring myself to wake up at 4 or 5 am to go hiking before work.....hmmmm
september 20th, 2024
worst summer ever!!!!!!! i had very high hopes for this summer, the heat unbearable, plans to go to the beach every weekend as hiking was no longer an option, then i was met with my worse fear, hospitalization. i am completely a million times better, healthy now but it was scary. just lying in a hosptial bed alone for hours really takes your mind to some terrible places
, i kept thinking about my dream where i died over and over again. but enough of this heavy dread, i was released after only about 3 days and then what awaited me was a colonoscopy.....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
lol august was filled with dread waiting for it to come, i picked up a GIANT JUG of laxative they prescribe you to take the day before so that it can clean you out entirely, just straight chugging salt water for two hours and you CANT EAT ANYTHING i swear i never felt more hunger in my entire life. but you guys lol i got some imaging back of my intestines and they were so clear and clean i actually did a really good job drinking that gallon and i didnt even drink the whole thing to tell you the truth. i was looking forward to what kind of dreams i would have in the hospital but each night my mind was empty. i was hoping i dreamed too when they put me under but nothing, it felt so jarring actually the last thing i remember was the anesthesiologist person injecting me and it felt like only a few mintues had passed when i woke up and they were already wheeling me back to my room. it's all behind me now gladly, and i am happy autumn is here. I love autumn, i love those days when you feel a chill in the air after being used to the heat and you know a new season is coming, i wish it could be autumn all the time.
...and if you are reading this EAT HEALTHY, EAT MORE VEGETABLES - like way more vegetables im not even kidding like double the normal amount you eat im serious- !!!! im so serious... stop eating HOT CHIPS!!!!! lol i swear please years of eating things that are not good for you really do take a toll on you... learn from me...a girl who's seen it all lol....
June 26th, 2024
sometimes, that small, probably not very costly to produce, little creature inside the claw machine of your local boba spot can bring you much joy...and happiness....i look into his eyes and i know what the meaning of life is....
June 4, 2024
i had an extremely cathartic dream. ok truthfully i've had many cathartic dreams. dreams that seem so real, i cant distinguish them from real life as i experience it. i've become so paranoid that as a result i won't step into a walmart for the rest of my life. i'm just afraid of these dreams coming true. which is why i haven't been around for a while, that + my dad's been having some health issues, hes ok now and will be fine but for a while there it was a bit scary. but really i stopped posting because i had a dream so terrible i'm afraid if i speak of it it will come true. except i read something recently that is making me rethink about journaling about it or not. you see i just watched lake mungo, which if you havent heard about it, its a scary movie about a young girl who drowned in a lake. it's a very good movie, and if anyone is even reading this and they havent watched it you should check it out. but umm.....oh yeah without giving away any spoilers, i was reading in an old reddit thread, (because everytime i watch a scary movie like this i love love love reading reddit threads about people's theories on it, it's sort of like the best part of watching movies that I consider works of art like this because so many people have different interpretations and no one is exactly right or exactly wrong, its just good fun and sharing of ideas and thoughts and what not) and someone said they had known from aboriginal folklore and that if you have a premonition of your death and if you keep it to yourself then you may curse yourself or your family and you see this whole time i've been thinking the opposite, i thought that if i dreamt about something like that and if i spoke about it, it would come true. i can't even think about the dream without crying. And I keep having flashes of my brother telling me when we were young, as i would so often have dreams of others dying, that it means they are going to live for a long time. i don't even know where he would have heard that from...but it always comforted me. i'd like to think maybe the dreams i have where i have died mean i'm going to live for a long time...hmmm maybe the simplest answer is that subconsciously i've been afraid of dying and thats where these dreams stem from. but my fear truthfully is rooted in how real these dreams feel. so real that when i wake up i forget that my dream is just a dream and that i actually have a life outside the dream.i hope that i'm not painting myself to be some recluse that is afraid to even step outside of her home, because i am most definetly not...lol the walmart dream i guess.. to put it plainly, i dreamt i died inside a walmart lol but because it felt so real, so REGULAR, it was so scary how regular and normal the dream was, it's better to be safe than sorry and to be honest i haven't been inside a walmart since i was a child so is it really avoiding if i dont even shop there at all anymore? i remember in the dream after i died there was a voice that told me i had to calm down, everthing was so vivid and in a split second i felt myself burning, burning, red everywhere then in another split second it all went black, and this voice was telling me to calm down, that i must be calm, "gently now" is what the voice said, "gently as we move from this world to the next" was the last thing i heard so clearly and then i woke up.but that's not the dream that has kept me from posting on here, i have to think about it more if i want to share that dream or not, but lets indulge my delusion and say that these dreams are in fact as i fear, premonitions that will one day come true and i am going to die regardless, then why should i stop doing what i love, which is posting on here :3 i guess what i'm really trying to say is that im back :3
march 17, 2023
been a while since i've written :3 it's just theres been so much rain here i hate it now lol at first it was fun right, like it NEVER rains here, and it even SNOWED here at my job, like that was crazy. it wasn't a lot of snow tho, it snowed for a good two minutes and then it went away. although it was nice seeing the mountains covered in snow, felt like i was in a different place all together. but the rain now is like a guest that has overstayed it's welcome and im tired of it now
. i miss the sun
i miss its warmth....
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FRIENDS!!!
december 19, 2022
i've been feeling a bit better so i thought i'd share my christmas list of gifts i hope to recieve this christmas :3 i loveeeee christmas sooooo much its my favorite holiday of the year!! my family requests a list each year so we know what to buy each other so heres mine
these are all things i just had on my ebay watch list lol the first one is a pinky monkey plush/small storage item, i plan to put my jewelry in there if i get it the second is something i've wanted for a while :3 & the third and forth are plushies i've been wanting to add to my collection but just decided to wait until christmas to ask for them lol I hope you all get the gifts on your wishlist this year!!
december 9, 2022
sorry i haven't written, i had to put down my cat on Nov. 3 and i've not been able to handle my grief, i've never experienced any feeling like this in my entire life, i realize now nothing is permanent, i've been a fool in thinking that the love i've recieved from my friends and family gives me a permanent place on this earth, but it doesn't. There's not a day that goes by where i don't think of my cat, my friend :( he was just here.... i keep telling myself, and with the tightest grip i try to hold onto the last day he was here, my nails sinking deeply into the last memories i have of petting him and watching him lay in the sun, all the while punishing myself for being such an idiot..for not cherishing him more, for taking him for granted. i'll never take anything for granted again, i'll let everything linger for a little while longer, and then a little more after that...because time is so short... more than any of us realize..
